The Malaysia Civil Liberty Activists (MCLA) announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children.
A MCLA spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus is violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organisation to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has no right to unilaterally adjudicate if a child has been naughty or nice. We believe that each child has the right to representation and they are deemed nice unless proven naughty."
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping
He knows when you're awake,
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness' sake.
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, which was obtained from a worker in the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organisation, "... clearly shows that a child is subject to intimidation, that they may not cry or pout. Also, it contains evidence that there is clandestine surveillance of children. This is a serious breach of the child’s privacy!"
Lawyers at the Bar Council also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children.
Anonymous sources from inside the Council stated, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for the state in return for a lighter sentence."
In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Bar Council and Bukit Aman on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not show Mr. Claus, or anyone else paying any import duties, taxes or GST on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in Malaysia we believe he should have to pay GST on all of the goods he delivers."
A spokesperson from the MACC who did not wish to be named, stated that, "Investigation papers have been opened on Mr. Claus on the basis that there is a need to investigate how this operation is funded. Is it by an anonymous but generous donor? Does it cost billions? We need to get to the bottom of this."
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the MCLA are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well-known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of children."
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of Malaysia or any country which Malaysia currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the charges of the MCLA absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Attorney General of Malaysia will discover they have no basis."
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.
* This is a work of fiction. Adapted from the original work of David Bibb. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.